🅿️ 02.06.2019_DIVORCE_WAITER


Transcript


SAVOY I just don't know why we needed to like come someplace public. You can still come by the house.
MILO I just wanted to hash this out and be done and we can just be over it, okay?
SAVOY Yeah, but why do we need to come someplace so public?
MILO (sighs)
SAVOY Just come over!
MILO I don't want to come over.
SAVOY It's fine, It's-
MILO Okay?
SAVOY All your stuff's not even there.
MILO I- I know, but it's gonna be weird being in our old space toge-
ROGER Hey, hey, hey, how are
SAVOY Hi, hello.
MILO Hi!
ROGER we doing tonight, gentlemen?
MILO How are you?
ROGER Hello, hello.
SAVOY Fine, how are you? Hello.
ROGER Welcome to LaBrusca. My name is Roger. I'm going to be your server for this evening. Here's some napkins for you
MILO Thank you.
SAVOY Thank you, Roger.
ROGER here's the menus. We have some specials up on the board right there.
SAVOY (clears throat)
ROGER I can tell you about any of them if you have any questions.
SAVOY Okay.
ROGER If there's anything I can start you off with to drink, just let me know. Waters for the table?
MILO I'll just have a water.
SAVOY I'm fine, yeah, water's fine.
ROGER Just waters?
SAVOY Water's fine.
ROGER Do you want me to get started on anything? Any cocktails? Margaritas? We have an incredible upside down margarita.
MILO I'll have an upside down margarita.
ROGER Oh, an upside down margarita for you, and what about you?
SAVOY I'll have a right side up one.
MILO Yeah, I'm sure you will.
ROGER Thank you, thank you.
SAVOY Alright.
ROGER I'll get those started for you. I'll get those waters out in just a second.
SAVOY Thank you, Roger.
ROGER I'll be right back. All right, thank you.
SAVOY Okay, thank you!
ROGER I'll hear it. I will hear it. It doesn't matter if I'm like far away! You know, sometimes it's like a dog. It's like the ears perk up. You say the name, you know? Just so. You just yell "Roger" if you need anything.
MILO Thanks. Thanks Roger.
ROGER Okay? Alright.
SAVOY Excellent. Thank you, Roger.
ROGER [snapping]
MILO And that actually brings me to my next point, which is the dog.
SAVOY I knew... fine. Fine!
MILO I want the dog. I've spent more time.
SAVOY Fine.
MILO I spent more time with him.
SAVOY I'm not arguing on it.
MILO Okay, all right, good.
SAVOY Take 'em! Take him! Plenty of other dogs out there. I'll go rescue my own dog.
MILO Good. You can go rescue your own dog.
SAVOY I already have a few names picked out anyways.
MILO Great.
SAVOY And they're good.
MILO I don't...
SAVOY So.
MILO I don't want to hear them.
SAVOY Okay, they're very good.
MILO [clears throat]
SAVOY Better than names than you could come up with.
MILO (sighs)
ROGER Uh oh, uh oh, whoopsie!
SAVOY Okay!
ROGER Little tipsy there with the waters.
MILO Ah, thank you.
SAVOY Alright!
ROGER I'm just kidding.
MILO Thanks.
ROGER I was I was completely in control the whole time Anyway, I brought you your waters and I also
SAVOY Thanks, Roj.
ROGER brought you a little treat for the waters. of...
MILO Oh, wait what?
ROGER [dripping into cups]
SAVOY Oh, good, and what's that?
MILO What is that?
ROGER It's just food coloring, but it'll...
MILO Makes it... makes it bluer. Okay.
ROGER I thought it'd be kind of fun.
SAVOY To have... yeah... blue waters.
ROGER Do you need, do you want any appetizers? Do you know what you want to start with?
SAVOY Ah.
ROGER Also, would it be okay if I like... If I just sort of licked my fingers while we talked? [ Licking sounds ]
MILO That's...
SAVOY I mean I-
MILO That's kind of gross.
SAVOY If it's an actual question,
ROGER Like this.
SAVOY I wish you wouldn't, but I don't work here.
ROGER Wow, what did I touch that was spicy?
SAVOY Okay.
ROGER Can I get y'all any appetizers?
MILO [SIGH]
SAVOY I'll do, I think we're doing separate apps. I'll do Hush Puppies.
ROGER Some hush puppies for you
MILO I also, I would also like hush puppies.
ROGER What's your name?
SAVOY Me?
ROGER You.
MILO My name?
ROGER Yeah.
MILO is Milo.
ROGER And-- Your name?
SAVOY Savoy.
ROGER Yeah, I kind of get that. All right.
SAVOY Okay.
ROGER Get some hush puppies. We'll get those margaritas.
SAVOY Stop licking your fingers.
ROGER Hey, how would either of you feel? And it's totally okay if the answer is no. How would you feel if I put something profoundly disgusting into your drinks?
MILO What?
SAVOY I mean, I'll-
ROGER Yeah, I came back in from my smoke break, right?
SAVOY pass for me.
ROGER And I looked down and there was a band-aid stuck to my sneakers.
MILO Oh.
ROGER So I stuck it in my pocket, right? Three days later. It's tonight. Reach into my pocket just now. It touches my finger!
MILO Oh.
ROGER So it got me thinking, what if... I were to dip this... into your drinks?
MILO No
ROGER One second each.
SAVOY I'd rather you didn't.
MILO I don't think I want that.
SAVOY No offense, Roger.
MILO I don't think I want that.
SAVOY This is really this is disgusting.
MILO That's pretty gross.
SAVOY No thank you.
MILO Yeah, I'd like to speak with your manager, I think.
ROGER Oh no, there's no need to do that- I don't work here.