🅿 09.11.1267_GOATED_WITH_THE_SAUCE.mp3


Transcript


KING Boy, come!
PRINCE Oh my god, dad, what?
KING Today you learn. Today you learn the ways of a king.
PRINCE No, Dad, this is so mega lame.
KING We've summoned Mystical Jeremy, and will not keep him waiting.
PRINCE Oh, no-- No, I...
KING Now follow me to the War Room.
PRINCE You're so- you're so obsessed with the idea of-
KING I'll not have any of your back talk.
PRINCE Whatever.
KING To the war room, let's go.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Welcome!
KING Mystical Jeremy.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Welcome you two! Looks like someone, pointing at the younger one, is doing a big mad.
PRINCE Whatever.
KING Mystical Jeremy, we can't thank you enough for your time.
MYSTICAL JEREMY No problem besties. Bet. Absolutely.
PRINCE This sucks.
KING Today we'll be teaching my son military tactics.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Ooh! That sounds excellent! That sounds 'based'. I love it.
PRINCE Cool.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Soon you're going to be goated with the sauce, with a sword.
PRINCE Why did... [sigh]
KING Do you hear what Mystical Jeremy says? You'll be sau- what did you- did you say sauced?
MYSTICAL JEREMY Yes, you'll be goated with the sauce... or the goat.
KING Now come to the table, look.
PRINCE This is so sketch.
MYSTICAL JEREMY I think you mean "bussin". Yes, you're absolutely right. Catch these hands!
PRINCE Ow! Dude!
MYSTICAL JEREMY Yes, want to learn moves like these? No cap.
PRINCE What?
KING Toughen up boy!
MYSTICAL JEREMY Yeah!
PRINCE Stop! Why's he hit-- Dad, why's he hitting me?
KING This is how you learn.
MYSTICAL JEREMY I think you mean 'Why do I hit so fast?' Little bit of clap back, Lad.
KING Mystical Jeremy,
MYSTICAL JEREMY Yes, my liege.
KING Thank you, you need not bow to me. I appreciate you being here.
MYSTICAL JEREMY OK, bet.
KING Tomorrow we begin training the sword.
PRINCE [whining]
KING Today... we must focus on tactics.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Yes, I understand.
KING Boy. Do you see the cavalry on the table?
PRINCE See the what?
KING Before you is a map, do you not see what I'm pointing to?
PRINCE No, yeah, dad, it's wicked. It's wicked sick. I love it. Nasty. Yeah.
KING You watch your tongue, boy,
MYSTICAL JEREMY Now, King-
KING I'll not have any more of this heretical vernacular spilling from your blasphemous tongue.
MYSTICAL JEREMY King...
PRINCE Oh my god.
KING Do you hear me?
MYSTICAL JEREMY Take a breather, and let him cook, son. Let him cook.
KING Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mystical Jeremy. Forgive me for losing my temper in your presence.
MYSTICAL JEREMY It's okay.
KING Please do not curse the realm.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Me? I would never curse the realm. I would never curse the realm. Okay, boomer? I would never would.
KING It's just... it's just... he's... it's ridiculous.
MYSTICAL JEREMY On god, Full agree. That's goated. I understand. Your son sometimes can be a bit Ohio, if you get what I'm saying.
KING Your wisdom knows no bounds. Mystical Jeremy.
PRINCE What's that supposed to mean?
KING Silence yourself.
PRINCE Are you trying to diss me?
KING Boy!
PRINCE Funny hat?
KING I'll not say it again.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Now how about this- Let this live rent-free in your gut. Hiya!
PRINCE No! Stop! Hitting! Me!
KING Do you see? Do you see? Now you learn,
PRINCE WHY?!
KING boy, now you learn.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Now who's shook? Hmm? Now who's the simp? Hmm?
PRINCE [exasperated sigh] Why am I even, wh-?
MYSTICAL JEREMY Sheeeesh, you know what I mean?
PRINCE What are we doing here? What's the point? This-
KING Military Tactics!
PRINCE Dad, chill!
MYSTICAL JEREMY Now everyone, if there's one person that needs to chill, Ohio, it's not your father, we stan a slaying king. We stan a Knightly Daddy, okay? And by the way you treat your father, it's a bit suss. And now all I'm trying to do is teach you in the ways of battle, and plus you also need to go touch grass, okay?
PRINCE What?
MYSTICAL JEREMY Vibe check! Someone needs to touch grass. I'm vibing.
KING The hooves of my horse have graced many battlefield.
PRINCE [sigh]
KING Touched many grass.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Mm-hmm. Go off, King.
KING And you soon too will also know the depravity of war. You see this sword?
MYSTICAL JEREMY Mm-hmm.
KING First comes this,
PRINCE I-
KING then comes this!
PRINCE Sh- Okay!
KING Put this to your mind, boy!
MYSTICAL JEREMY Periot. Mm-hmm
PRINCE All right. Okay.
KING Now tell me, look at the table before you.
PRINCE Okay, Dad!
KING How would you handle a situation like this?
PRINCE I don't know- just move this horse there and move that whole little front over that way..
KING Send the cavalry to the flank... move the artillery south... down below the river.
MYSTICAL JEREMY Yes, south. Below the river...
KING That's actually- that's actually quite a good plan, boy. Perhaps you do have a knack for this.
PRINCE Is that what you wanted?
KING [facing away] Bring the boy something to drink!
MYSTICAL JEREMY I think you're serving 'glow up', young prince.
PRINCE What?
MYSTICAL JEREMY When you came in here moments ago - mere moments, I was thinking 'cringe'. I was thinking 'cheugy'. I was thinking 'absolutely in no way bussin'. And no cap- Now I don't expect you to be ratioed.
PRINCE Are those-
MYSTICAL JEREMY I expect you to do a Bang 30s with someone.
KING Continue studying under Mystical Jeremy, boy, and a fine king you will be.
MYSTICAL JEREMY FR, yes. Hits different when coming from me.