🅿 Bone Boat - Bingely Arms Pub


Transcript


DANE Right.
JAMES But the woman you work with is Judy, isn't it?
RONALD Hello? Hello?
DANE It's Jooty. Hello.
RONALD Mind if I just... Pop down right with you?
DANE No, go on, join us.
JAMES I'm James.
DANE James.
RONALD James.
JAMES Yeah, James!
DANE That's a great name, isn't it?
RONALD Did you two just meet as well?
DANE Yeah!
JAMES
No!
DANE
Well, no.
JAMES Yes.
DANE Well, yeah.
JAMES James is me dad's name. So he called me James, and my granddad's James, and my great grandad is James - So I'm James, isn't it?
RONALD Do you have a son?
JAMES Yeah, James!
RONALD Good name. Strong name.
JAMES Yeah, it's a strong name. What's your name?
RONALD Oh, me?
JAMES Yeh?
RONALD Binsley!
DANE Binsley?
RONALD Yeah.
JAMES Say again?
RONALD Ronald Binsley!
JAMES Ronald Binsley.
RONALD Yeah, that's me.
JAMES Whatcha do for work, Ronald?
RONALD Got a little shop down in the corner!
JAMES Ronald, you sell any sweets in your shop?
RONALD Not sweets per se… Foot pasties!
DANE Foot pasties?
RONALD Aye.
JAMES So we leave here, I can't expect to go find a croissant or a macaron at your shop?
RONALD Oh no, not yet.
DANE That's a flat piece of foot skin.
RONALD Yeah, it's kind of a flat piece of foot skin actually. He's right. What was your name again? James?
JAMES No.
RONALD No.
JAMES I'm James, my dad's James, my granddad, my great granddad and me son.
RONALD No, but him with the mustache.
DANE Me?
RONALD Yeah!
DANE Name's Dane.
RONALD Dane.
DANE Dane.
JAMES Yeah, that's Dane. I'm James. You're Ronald. And you own a skin shop, right?
RONALD You ever had a baklava?
DANE A baklava?
JAMES A baklava?
RONALD Yeah, you know, it's all flaky with layers.
JAMES Yeah. Baklava is right nice, innit?
DANE Yeah, I suppose.
RONALD It's kinda what it comes out as.
DANE You like peel off the outermost layer?
RONALD Nah, it usually goes a few layers deep.
DANE Does it go like multiple layers deep?
RONALD Yeah, well, it's not the only thing I sell. I also sell doorknobs, hooks, screwdrivers, dead birds-
JAMES Now this is skin off a human being's foot?
RONALD Usually right off me own foot. Or, you know, if someone makes you mad and you drive a peg through their head, stick 'em in the back room, hang them upside down by their feet, cut their throat, and let the blood drain out.
DANE What?!
JAMES Say again- Hey, say again, bub?
RONALD I own a shop. Out front, you can buy trinkets, doorknobs, hooks, foot pasties... In the back, there's people who've made me mad so I've driven a peg through their skull, hung them up by the feet, cut their throat and let the blood drain out.
DANE Is that where you get the feet pasties?
RONALD Sometimes.
JAMES I got a question. Is this...allowed?
RONALD There's no rule that says a dog can't play basketball.
JAMES Say that… say that again.
RONALD You know?
JAMES Say that again, mate.
RONALD I said, there's no rule that says a dog can't play basketball, aye?
JAMES A dog?
RONALD So show me where it says I can't kill people, hang them up by their feet, cut their throat, and let the blood drain out, and then scrape their feet with a vegetable peeler, and make a baklava!
DANE Right, but like… is there a market for that?
RONALD I'm in business, aren't I?
JAMES It seems like there's a market for baddies, yeah. If you're a real baddie.
RONALD Yeah!
DANE ...foot pasties though…
JAMES No croissant in your shop?
RONALD Not yet.
JAMES You plan to, maybe... down the road... three years...? Five years?
RONALD My five year plan is to build a boat out of the bones. Float across the ocean.
JAMES Mate, you talkin' about a bone boat?
RONALD Yeah, I'm gonna make a bone boat.
DANE What about bone boat? Are you making a bone boat?
JAMES Out of what - human bones??
DANE Bit heinous, isn't it though?
JAMES Yeah. Curious, ain't it?
RONALD In a nutshell - since you two are so nosy and want to know everything about my private life - yeah! I sell pastries made out of foot skin from people that I've killed because I was mad at them. And I'm saving the bones to build a boat. A bone boat.
JAMES Right, a human bone boat.
RONALD A human bone boat.
DANE Do bones float naturally? Like...
RONALD They float great!
JAMES Common knowledge, ain't it?
RONALD Why do you think bodies keep washing up on the shore?
DANE Right.
JAMES So, you sell a few bone boats, do a bit of traveling-
RONALD No, the boat's for me.
DANE What even brought you over here into this conversation in the first place?
JAMES Yeah, seems a bit braggadocia of your bone boat, huh?
RONALD You two are asking me all the questions, I'm just trying to make some friends! I don't have many frie-