🅿 Buying a Body


THREGG everything should be good for you.
THREGG All right, take care.
Thanks, You too.
THREGG Okay. (Over Intercom) Reed.
CHRIS That's us.
BRAD That's us. Okay. All right. Remember, just go...
THREGG Hey, how's it going?
BRAD Hi! Hello!
THREGG Howdy fellas!
BRAD Hello!
BRAD Hi. I'm Brad, by the way.
THREGG Brad, nice to meet you.
BRAD Hi, I'm Brad.
CHRIS Chris, nice to meet you.
THREGG Chris, nice to meet you too.
BRAD Sorry, it's our first time doing this.
THREGG No, no worries. Hey, that's fine. We're always out to help new institutions all the time. My name is Threg. I will be your service person today throughout the exchange. We'll be able to take care of everything from selection down to the paperwork and your delivery options.
BRAD Nice.
CHRIS Fantastic.
BRAD Delivery too? Oh, that's nice. That's nice.
THREGG Yeah, yeah. What are you two in the market for?
CHRIS We're here to get...
BRAD You go, you do it.
CHRIS So it's a body. Yeah, just... We want to get a body.
BRAD Yeah.
THREGG Yeah, okay. I mean, hey, that's why most people come here, right?
THREGG A small organization, I'm guessing, from sort of the way you two got...?
CHRIS Um, yeah, I mean
BRAD Well...
CHRIS New... newer... New-ish
THREGG Right on!
BRAD It's like a new, well, we're new to it. I guess you could say we're going into our fourth year at the institution, but everyone at the institution is sort of like on a contract for about four years... and then...you leave...
CHRIS Mm-hmm
BRAD probably.
THREGG Please - we work with loads of colleges. Loads of different medical programs.
CHRIS Okay, cool.
BRAD Oh. You could tell that's...
THREGG Since it is affiliated with an educational institution, I actually have a different intake form and some discounts that we can levy towards your plan to make these things a little bit more affordable. So yeah, if...
CHRIS Wow. That's awesome.
THREGG Okay, so all I need... I have your names. The name of your institution?
BRAD Victoria P Coopergrim Memorial College.
CHRIS South.
THREGG Oh nice nice yeah.
BRAD South, south, south, south.
THREGG South. Yep yep yep, nice nice. Go Cabinets!
BRAD Yeah, woo! [LAUGHS]
CHRIS Go cabinets.
THREGG And uh...
CHRIS Terrible season.
THREGG What exactly are you looking for? How can we help you make this decision? We have a lot to
THREGG choose from. I have 36 in stock in the showroom if we want to go take a look. Yeah.
CHRIS Wow. Yeah, we take a—
BRAD Yeah, we can just-
CHRIS Peruse.
BRAD Do we need like, wear the covers over the shoes or?
THREGG You're not allowed to enter unattended, but no just follow me stick to the walkways if you can
THREGG We'll just go right through this door. Don't mind how imposing it is - just got to keep them...
BRAD Okay. Oh, holy smokes!
THREGG It's a little bit chilly. We got to keep them fresh after all
BRAD I didn't realize it was like a whole showroom.
THREGG The whole floor here is divided up into a couple of different sections. We've got sort of the more experimental ones, we've got sort of your run-of-the-mill stuff. What is, uh, what are you looking for?
THREGG What do you need in a body?
CHRIS You know, I don't know if it...
BRAD We just kind of want one at the house for the weekend.
THREGG Okay, yeah, yeah, doing like a little, like a demonstration session. Sure, sure, sure.
CHRIS Yeah...
BRAD Well...
CHRIS demonstration's a good way...
BRAD I guess it's a demonstration.
BRAD Yeah, it's more so... I don't know if this is on your paperwork, but it's like - There's a few houses on the street where we live that they're like, 'we have the craziest parties.' But no one else has a human body in their home. And we're like, well, that could be... sort of our claim to fame.
THREGG Sure, yeah. Hey, I mean, I know how it is with med students. They can be pretty enthusiastic.
BRAD Well... Chris you're a... What's your major?
CHRIS My major?
BRAD Yeah.
CHRIS It's something business.
BRAD And I'm sort of like in the, you know, grab a few classes here, a few classes there, and see what I can sort of...
CHRIS Undeclared. Yeah.
THREGG Sure, um... Why don't we take a look at this one right here? Actually, I think...
CHRIS Look at that!
THREGG Yeah, you'll see just very average, nothing too wild going on here.
BRAD Wow And does this one sort of fall like in the $300 category?
THREGG No, this one, ahh... The tag - actually on the toe... I know, a little bit cheesy.
CHRIS I thought it was kind of funny.
BRAD What probably like, $450 or something?
THREGG No, this one is... $3,500, but with the educational discount, of course that'll have to get approved through your college and everything like that, but with the educational discount we can knock off 4%, so let me just crunch that real quick for you.
BRAD 3,500? And that's rental, or own to own?
THREGG It's to own. There's no returns. I have our whole terms and conditions sheet that I can provide you with in a moment.
CHRIS That's way more than I thought it was going to be though.
THREGG Educational discount comes 4% off of this. We'll get it down all the way to... $3360 for you. $3360, which I gotta say is a pretty good price for a specimen this fresh.
BRAD Yeah.
CHRIS Where do you keep the uh... do you have any like, cheaper... bodies?
THREGG Uh, well, yes. There is... Over this way.
THREGG We call them the discount deceased here because we like to have a little bit of fun.
CHRIS What's your cheapest one... in this pile?
THREGG Um... probably this one. What we're looking at here is just a little bit of an older specimen. Not at time of death, but we had an issue with the coolers, and um... This was one of the ones that was in a warmer environment too long. So decomposition has begun just a little bit.
CHRIS Oh, gross. I mean...
THREGG It's not too bad, it's just not as fresh as it gets. But this one, I mean, we'd be willing to part with it... probably around $2800.
BRAD And that's like the...
CHRIS Wow. That's the...
BRAD That's like, a cheap one.
CHRIS Okay, what if like...
THREGG Yeah, with the 4% discount that knocks $112 off, uh, $2800 minus...
CHRIS That's still like 2700 something.
THREGG Well, it's two-six. $2,688, but VPCM is a small college, so I'll tell you what, I would be
CHRIS Yeah, I mean, that's basically...
THREGG willing to throw in a couple extra discounts, see if we can't get it down to 2,500 for you.
CHRIS Well, I appreciate that but, what if we did something different. Got...
BRAD Mm-hmm
CHRIS Just... A little bit? Y'know?
THREGG I'm afraid I don't know. What do you mean just a little bit?
CHRIS I mean, like, could we just take like... the eyes, maybe? Or the lips?
BRAD Ew, Chris!
CHRIS Like, what is just the lips?
BRAD What do you mean, what is just the lips?
THREGG Well, we don't usually sell just the lips. Let me just run real quick over here. I'm just gonna ring up my boss and see if he's willing to make a deal, considering this one's age and everything else and the incident with the heating. So you two can sort of talk about it - I'll be back.
CHRIS I mean, it's this or it's you're gonna throw it out soon.
THREGG That's not necessarily true, but I'll be back.
CHRIS All right
BRAD I thought we were getting the whole thing. What do you mean just the lips?
CHRIS I mean, that's just... it's too expensive though.
BRAD Yeah, but what are we gonna do? Have a pair of lips on the couch? People come over, they're like, "Oh, cool lips."
CHRIS I don't know, I just feel like there's a lot of potential there. We could just put lips on stuff.
BRAD On what?
CHRIS Like, a door?
BRAD A door?
CHRIS Or like, on the bathroom mirror So when they look into it, they have a different mouth kind of.
BRAD Dude, Rick and Mike down the house have three cats. People go to their house because they love cats and their one cat does the thing.
CHRIS We could put the lips on the cats.
BRAD No, we're not going to put the lips on the cats.
CHRIS That'd be hilarious!
BRAD That'd be gross!
CHRIS No, yeah, that would be-
THREGG So, hi. Good news and bad news.
CHRIS Hey! Okay.
THREGG Boss says that we can't break it down into parts as small as lips. And I gotta admit, I saw that coming. But we can, a little bit more if we want to extend it, we can throw the lips, nose, eyes, eyebrows, sort of the whole face together as kind of a package deal for you.
CHRIS Huh. Does that go to the ear or beyond the ear?
THREGG It kind of depends on how everything comes together.
CHRIS I mean, so could we choose that? If we put a clip on each ear,
THREGG I mean, yeah, we're if.
CHRIS you could make turn it into a face mask.
THREGG I am going to pretend that I didn't hear that.
BRAD Yeah, I thought we were gonna have like a cool house to come to I don't know you were gonna like want to do all this weird stuff
THREGG I'm going to assume that was a joke.
CHRIS It was totally a joke.
THREGG And it wasn't a very good joke. Typically, if you're going to take the ears, that means we're going to include the hair and the hairline too. If we did that, look at the rates divvy this down.
CHRIS I mean at that point you could just pull it on over your face.
THREGG We're looking at about $800 and then another 200 in labor.
CHRIS Yeah. All right. No, no, no, no.
BRAD I'd rather just get the body.
CHRIS OK, listen. OK, that's still way too high.
CHRIS Why don't you just take us to the room where you keep all the skin and we'll just pick a couple pieces out of there.
BRAD For what?
THREGG Uh, room full of skin?
BRAD Chris, that's disgusting!
CHRIS I brought eight 20s, man. We're not leaving here with much more than like a couple bits.
THREGG I'm sorry, room full of skin? That's uh, we don't exactly have a room full of skin you can just pick around in.
CHRIS OK, I know you have to say that, but I know. And we're just going to take a couple of pieces. I just need enough to make like a small pair of shorts.
BRAD Chris what the f-