Throat Subwoofers


BRAD So I named my son Brad after my dad and simultaneously changed my name to Brad. So it's just all- Brad's all the way down and here we are.
VERNON Do you want two dogs or one?
BRAD Two dogs.
VERNON Two dogs, two dogs there. What about you, Dave?
DAVID Hey Vern, I will take
VERNON Holy smokes Dave what is going on with your voice?
BRAD That is a loud, loud sound.
VERNON Oh my god!
DAVID We'll su- Ugh! I'll try to keep it. I'll try to keep it down here.
BRAD That's better.
VERNON That's a little better, yeah. Are you feeling sick? Like a loud kind of sick? Like a sick that makes you loud?
DAVID No! No, look, I got throat subwoofers. Look. [gurgling]
BRAD Oh, wow.
VERNON I didn't want to say it, but you're thr--
DAVID [gurgling]
DAVID [gurgling]
VERNON Yeah, I was gonna say Dave from the outside - you don't need to you let go of your mouth
BRAD That's... that's fine.
VERNON You can see them from the outside. You kind of look like you got a goiter.
BRAD It's bulging a little bit.
VERNON Yeah, like on both sides you got kind of a lump
BRAD Yeah.
DAVID Well, the doctor said it will slowly recess and fit flush with my skin.
VERNON It's really, it's like really red though, Dave.
DAVID Yeah, well you both know. Brad, I know you have little
VERNON Oh my gosh, can you talk quieter?
BRAD The gravel is like bouncing off the driveway.
DAVID Well, okay, well I'm sorry and I know Brad- Ew.
[cough] I know Brad, you have little Brad Jr.
DAVID And Vernon, I know you have Sarah and Carol. And we all know they're on their phones all day. You can barely get a word in if they're even listening to you.
BRAD Mm-hmm.
DAVID And I thought I just need to make my voice louder. So that's why- these things do get pretty loud. Listen to this. That's why I installed these!
BRAD Whoa!
BRAD Dave!
DAVID And that was at medium level.
BRAD Oh, Dave.
VERNON You just shook the wind chime off the porch. Dave, was this like some kind of augmen-- like a body mod?
BRAD (sighs)
DAVID Well... Yeah, I got modded up.
VERNON How does your job feel about that? How are you gonna find a job with a body mod like that?
DAVID Check this out.
BRAD Dave, you work at a library.
DAVID Not anymore. I quit.
Yesterday before I went and got these, because they wouldn't approve them and also [coughing]
DAVID Gah - they - the doctor said there's a warming period and this will sound better in about a week and a half
BRAD Mm, yeah.
DAVID They said a week to a month
VERNON Is there a...
VERNON Is there like a way to turn them off?
DAVID No. It's forever!
BRAD How are they powered?
DAVID Well, essentially my blood passes through each of them, and depending on how fast my heart gets, the louder they become. So if I'm relaxing, I can get... well, you all heard it, medium level. But it's nice, it's a safety feature as well, because you know I like going on jogs.
VERNON Mm-hmm.
DAVID And when my heart beats faster, the blood move... when my heart...
VERNON Dave, you're getting louder!
DAVID When my heart beats faster, my blood moves faster through them. which makes them louder. Now you both heard me at a standard medium level at about 70 BPM which is my resting heart rate. Sure it could be lower but when I'm pushing 130, 180 heart -- BPM heart rate it's enough to, it's enough to you know maybe do a little riot control. You know what I mean Brad?
VERNON Hold on, is 70 BPM a pretty high resting heart rate? My little watch thing tells me mine's at 90.
DAVID Oh, your PodWatch?
DAVID 190 resting?
VERNON No, 190, Dave.
BRAD 190 good-
VERNON Oh my gosh, could you imagine?
DAVID Sorry, yeah.
BRAD Oh my god. Youd be running around
VERNON No, just at, just at 90.
DAVID Well, 90 is high. I was told 70 BPM is a little bit higher than "normal." For instance, Brad, your cousin Angela, works at the library as well, and her resting heart rate, on account of the triathlete that she is, is somewhere around 48 to 52 beats per minute.
BRAD Well, I don't know. I don't know if that's normal
VERNON Well that's, that's extremely low! That ha-
DAVID No, that's exactly what it is. That's exa-
BRAD Ah, Dave!
DAVID Sorry, oh! That's exactly where Angela is resting.
VERNON Can you just, can you talk quiet without sounding like a pervert?